I am sitting on the floor in the dark in my bedroom, my back barricading our small wooden swinging doors that do not have a lock. It's 9:46pm and I have been sitting here since 9:00pm (thank thee for iPads). My back is really starting to hurt since on the other side of this thin door is a fierce little 4 year old throwing all his body weight into it over and over again. He doesn't want to sleep in his room tonight and since our house seems to be a little lacking on door locks, he is determined to break down our "door" (read hinged plywood). Usually, he goes to bed beautifully, but since tonight this is not what he wants, I imagine he will fight this for a few more hours...I could be wrong, maybe he will give up easy tonight and only pound at our door, scream and shout for one or two hours...wouldn't that be nice?
The strong willed child, the stubborn child, the spirited child, whatever you want to call that will, josh has it. And, it utterly challenges me on a daily basis when I have to consider each and every thing I ask him to do since it HAS to be worth a potential 3 hour showdown if he doesn't want to do it. If josh does not want to do something, he will fight with everything he has. And, make no mistake, he will not give up. Then it becomes my job to outlast him. He exists just outside the realm of every child psychology/personality book. Some of what they say fits, other things do not.
Which is fine since I am retiring all those books. Every one. I am not going to look at another parenting book for about 5 more years. I am done with time outs that don't work, counting, negative consequences, positive reinforcement, talk therapy, walk therapy, feelings books and schedules. I politely and respectfully turn it all in for the only thing that has ever helped either of us: relying completely upon the spirit to help me know what to do.
Now, it's possible this new style of parenting will end up looking like some combination of all the aforementioned things...or maybe it will mean we sit around and eat peeps all day and watch PBS kids until our eyes glaze over from all the dyed sugar. Whatever this new level of parental humility means, I hope that as josh struggles to curtail his inner adult which is raging to get out, I will be able to nurture my own inner child, to be happy during this process. And that the Great God in Heaven will help us both.
He finally just fell asleep in his room. It is 10:19. Not bad.
Hang in there Meg. There is a reason he came to you... he knew you would love him without question, even through the banging, yelling, and tears (from both sides). I feel your pain and even shed a tear or two remembering some similar battles. Like I always say, kids like this come ready to conquer the world - you just have to steer them in the right direction.
ReplyDeleteMegan,
ReplyDeleteThis could be your writing sample for class on Thursday! I remember "retiring" all of the parenting books - a small tower of them with absolutely no answers for my second child. The light at the end of the tunnel (and this was in the teenage years) came with the application of Ether 12:27. You will make it! And so will Josh, and Eve and Seth! Drop them off here for a little Uncle Ian time sometime soon....
Oh, Megan, I love, love, love you... which doesn't really help, I realize, but I do. I have said it 100 times and I'll say it 100 more: parenting is a guessing game. No amount of research or advice or therapy can prepare us for the children with which we are blessed - dare I use that word? Most days, it does not feel like a blessing to me. Rather, it feels like an obstacle course. I can't even fathom the "after" when we have an afternoon to meet friends for lunch WITHOUT any kids in tow. I can't imagine having my house look somewhat nice for longer than 12 hours. BUT, I'm told that time will come and I am supposed to enjoy the here and now. That's where I'm struggling. For what it's worth, I couldn't handle Josh with as much grace as you do. He is meant for you and one day, though maybe decades away, he will praise you and all you have done for him as his mother.
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